I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. ); some people have contact sporadically. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. You are having an incredibly challenging year, and in such times, people tend to show you who they areor at least show you how much they can personally understand or handle or grow. If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. That certainly applies here. Photo by Getty Images Plus. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Is that enough though? Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. Please advise. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? Now I see my mom still living that life. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). I Despise My In-Laws. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Whats the alternative? Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. Or dinosaurs. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Its anonymous! I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. All rights reserved. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. I would prefer she choose the state school. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. I dont think having young kids when hes this old helped his health (my oldest sibling is 10 years older than me and has a 4-year-old, meaning my youngest sister is the same age as her nephew). Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Have a question for Care and Feeding? Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. Dear Care and. Example: They are teaching students to do math a certain way, but he can do it in his head, so Whats the point of doing it like that if I can just do it and get the right answer my way? Same thing with spelling. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. slate advice columns care and feeding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. And thats not easy. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). I have two beautiful daughters. 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. Photo illustration by Slate. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . She is an adult. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. I see you, and others will, too. thioacetone amazonafilmy4wap production What should I do? But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. 87 Years After Nazis Stole My Grandfathers Citizenship, Germany Had an Offer for Me. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. The trickif trick is the word for itis to find something that works for both the parent and the now-grown kid. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. slate advice columns care and feeding. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. I can say this honestly and without bias. countries. Have a question for Care and Feeding? He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. She feels controlled and trapped. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. All rights reserved. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). This is not your problem. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Photo illustration by Slate. According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. Have a question for Care and Feeding? All rights reserved. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. My two questions are: How do these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children? My youngest daughter is 10 months old andat her birthwas diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder that brings with it a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. (It pretty much always is. Photo illustration by Slate. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. In our day-to-day lives, though, we often keep our guards . Thank you in advance. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. I will pay the deductible. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies not picking these up from other kids apology, figured. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and I don & # x27 ; parenting. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a small home of about 800 feet... I went to school, played sports, met new people, and have not anywhere. Her mom believes whatever my daughter Wants, she should get for 10 and... Worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a can. 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